found haiku
Dec. 9th, 2015 12:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transposable_elementThis morning my sister made a post on Facebook. A friend of hers commented "that's almost a haiku," so I removed six words and a punctuation mark to make it into one:
Six at the bus stop
Staring into their phones.
I make it seven.
I like it because it fulfills more of the haiku tradition than just the 5/7/5 syllable pattern: it captures a brief moment, and it has a nice pause/twist/change of mood between the second and third lines.To be really traditional it would have to refer to nature or the seasons, but you can't have everything. I suppose you could take the whole thing as a reference to flock or herd behavior.
It's also self-referential, if you assume that she was posting it right at that moment.
Six at the bus stop
Staring into their phones.
I make it seven.
I like it because it fulfills more of the haiku tradition than just the 5/7/5 syllable pattern: it captures a brief moment, and it has a nice pause/twist/change of mood between the second and third lines.To be really traditional it would have to refer to nature or the seasons, but you can't have everything. I suppose you could take the whole thing as a reference to flock or herd behavior.
It's also self-referential, if you assume that she was posting it right at that moment.
no subject
Date: 2015-12-11 10:46 am (UTC)It also reminds me of the sort of posts a friend puts on Facebook about her train commutes.
no subject
Date: 2015-12-11 01:17 pm (UTC)